I haven't written any poetry in a long time so I'm pretty rusty. Sorry it it's not my best.
I live in a world of
black and white with
occasional red splotches of
pain that let me know
I'm still alive.
Everything is moving so fast
in the opposite direction while
I'm going forward in slow motion,
turning my tears inot anger so that
they do not come spilling
over my lashes.
It feels as though I'm falling,
falling away from the happiness
I once knew
only to fall in a pit of despair.
It becomes the only place
I feel at home, and
I get so used to the fact taht at
times I find myself reluctant to
leave misery behind.
I'm being torn one way
moments before being pulled
to the other.
Then before long,
I'm lost,
not wanting to be found or
wanting to get myself out of the trap
I've found myself in.
I feel alone in the world
except for the cries of others
who are feeling my pain.
All the cries become one
until all you hear is a blaring noise
that gives you nightmares and
makes you want to scream yourself.
You scream HELP ME!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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There are some very nice emotions in this poem. The content is very real. But, as this is "dramatic" poetry, you may want to use some imagery, some visuals.
Also, definitely proofread your work before posting it. You have some typo's.
Next, this poem does not have any true meter or rhyme that I can see. So, you shouldn't have all the separate lines. Free verse poems can be formatted as regular prose. If you want to separate stanzas, go for it, but, in general, free verse is "free".
For your next poem, take all this passionate emotion and craft it into a visual form. The result will be so much more potent.
Whoops, you're kinda contradicting yourself here; I think you want to emphasize that tears --> anger before the spill? Now it seems like you're just crying angry tears.
The last stanza shifts from "I" to "you" and ends the poem in confusion, whether it's about "me" or "you" really. I thought that the very last line was unnecessary and out of place.
All in all, I feel pretty distant. Like I'm watching something that's happening without really engaging in it, like I'm listening to a rant without sharing the same anger as the rant-er. Example:
Here, just say "I'm falling". It's simpler, and removes the embargo of narration between you, as the author, and I, as the reader.
Another general point: much of this poem is too blunt for my taste, as if you've just dashed off the first thing that popped into your head without thinking how you can refocus all this raw energy into something stronger and more effective. Example:
Yes, you're falling, but that's it. You're just falling in general, without giving specifics that help people connect. It's easier to relate to a description of happiness than to the word.
Each stanza seems rather like its own idea that doesn't fit more than vaguely with the rest of the puzzle.
#1 . Looks like I am no the only one who saw those typos!
you said - "inot" Which is probably into
And "taht" is probably that. I don't know for sure.
2. I agree with Claudette
Like she said, you did not have this concrete.
That does not mean that I did not like this. Trust me I did.
It was not the best though. But some parts were good. I liked the ending the best. I give you thumbs up for that.
I am torn.
Anywho. Keep up the good work. Live in Love.
-- M.B.Auhtor
Kitty caught the typos.
Hm, I liked how the ending was meant to be some giant sensory image, but it didn't work too well. The rest of the poem went kind of slow and hum-dee-dum and then it "caught up" so to speak by the last stanza, and didn't work for me.
The really big problem with this is that it isn't concrete, and that it is navel gazing. We can't relate to the feeling, we can't even be sure what the feeling is about. Of course, you have to forgive, I'm reading this very early in the morning and my understanding skills my not be perfect.
But, in any event, try writing this about a scene or an event, rather than just telling us the feelings and listing them out, because that will pull the reader in more.
You might want to read this article: Emotional Poetry.
Also, I think you could have added some more punctuation, it just seemed lacking for that. I don't know? I always want more punctuation xD
I liked it. Nothing to do with "The Fly" as was my first thought when reading the title.
It sounded good to the Vogon's ears, but get another opinion.
First, I'll point out the two typos. You should probably read your work through before posting -
turning my tears inot anger so that
I get so used to the fact taht at
I'm sure I don't have to highlight them for you. Other than that, you should try to use more imagery and other poetic techniques. As it stands, the line breaks could be removed and it would work as a piece of prose. You need to punctuate more and vary your sentence lengths for a better effect. Also, there needs to be more emotion in this and what's with the point of view change at the end? That doesn't really fit. I hope some of this helps,
Heather xx